Return and Report

Our 10-day media fast finished last Friday, and yes, we DID watch quite a bit of TV that night and over the weekend!  But I also learned a lot, so I'm going to jot down my thoughts here so I (hopefully?) don't forget.


-Reading stuff on your phone is very different from reading a book.  I usually am of the opinion that all reading is good, but I learned that I am not the same person if you interrupt me when I'm reading a book versus on my phone.  Something about reading on your phone, you never know if the article will suddenly go away (or get taken over by a pop-up ad! 😡) or how long the article actually is.  Yes, you might try to guess based on how big the scroll bar thingy is, but you never really know if that's including all the advertisements at the end, or comments if you're the type to get sucked into reading those (YES, I am totally guilty of that!).  Or if there's going to be some OTHER fascinating article that you have to click on next...  (Guilty of that, too!)  So it's a double-edged sword, because I'll be annoyed that you're interrupting me and trying to put you off until I finish reading, but the fact is that I'll never really finish, because there will always be some next thing to click on to keep me reading.  With my book, on the other hand, I can see very clearly that there's still 300 pages left to go (currently reading Hawaii by James A. Michener, so that's not an exaggeration!), there's absolutely no chance that I will finish it in the next five minutes, so I don't really mind being interrupted.  (Note that this is not true if I'm in the last 20 pages of a book.  Then you'd better just leave me alone.)

So if I'm reading a book, I'm a lot less grumpy over interruptions.  Less grumpy me = better mommy.  This is good to be aware of.


-As much as I want to be an informed voter, the fact is, it may not actually be all that important.  It sort of pains me to say this, but it's true.  I'm not saying you shouldn't be an informed voter!  (Although Michele Obama just said that that was a-okay, so even if I were saying that, you still couldn't get mad at me.)  But it turns out that I have never once voted on abortion.  Or gay marriage.  Or health care.  Or the legalization of marijuana.  I didn't vote on Kavanaugh.  None of those issues have ever been on my ballot.  My state didn't swing the way I voted in the last three presidential elections.  So me obsessively following these issues probably doesn't matter a whole lot.  I will still vote, and I'll still research the issues before election day, but I don't need to turn all obsessive over it all.  My vote only counts as much as the next idiot guy over and none of the policy makers care that much about my opinions.


-TV is fun, but it's also a big time suck.  I know that sounds like the most obvious statement ever, but hear me out here: something about Netflix and the fact that there are SO MANY GREAT SHOWS to watch (ELEVEN SEASONS of Frasier!!!!) makes me want to watch as much as I possible can, all the time.  You might even say that I "binge" on my favorite shows.  (Call me crazy!)  I adore Frasier and think it's a marvelous show.  But it's not going away.  I don't need to watch three episodes or more at night to feel like I got my money's worth with my Netflix subscription.  Calm down.  Breathe.  Crack open that book.

Not watching tv for a bit gave me a lot more time to do my other night-time chores (dishes, packing lunches-- boring stuff that needs to get done) without panicking or feeling aggravated because I was missing out.  And that was a nice feeling.  I like my book.  I like not feeling rushed.  I felt better.

-I don't need to be on my phone before the kids leave for school.  The very first day we were doing this, my morning was markedly different: I got up, made lunches for the kids, and then I just sat on the couch for a bit and DIDN'T STARE AT MY PHONE.  And then the usual thing happened: the kids kept finding papers in their bags that I needed to sign or they wanted to show me, and I calmly looked at and signed everything and it was no big deal.  But I realized that normally this feels like a very aggravating process (because my default setting in the morning is grumpy).  But without the phone, I didn't really mind.  And I thought to myself, There is nothing on that phone that can't at least wait until they've left for school.  Nothing.  

So I'm trying to keep the phone put away until they're gone.  That's easier for everyone. 


So there you go!  Lessons learned!  Let's see if I can remember them or if we'll have to do this all over again in a few months!

Newspaper Article

This was published in the Wall Street Journal back in August, and my sweet mother-in-law cut it out and sent it to us.  And I loved it.  I didn't want to throw it away.  So I'm copying it here so I can keep it forever.  I hope you enjoy it, too!

Yes, We Really Do Want to Have a Fifth Child  

Why have a big family?  Glad you asked.

by Mark Oppenheimer

In about a week, my wife and I are expecting our fifth child. Among people we know, this makes us a bit odd. We are not typical candidates for a minivan-filling brood. We are not conservative traditionalists—not Orthodox Jews, old-school Catholics or Mormons. Nor are we lefty counterculturalists. We have no aversion to birth control, chemical or otherwise. We’re pretty basic, middle-class HBO-watchers. My idea of living on the edge is refusing to give up soda.

So why all the children? Until recently, nobody would have asked. In 1976, 40% of mothers age 40 to 44 had four or more children. Today, only 13% do, and when it comes to mothers with graduate degrees (like my wife), only 8%. When people hear our news, they often tilt their heads, nod and say “Great, great,” with the look you give your friend who just got engaged to a man she met online last week.

For us, there is no one reason. The simplest answer, “We think five will be better than four,” is true, but it’s a bit of a dodge. So, speaking for myself (my wife would put things differently, I’m sure), here are some reasons why I wanted a fifth child:

Because every one of our four children has improved my life. Each brought a special joy, an irreducible quirk, a unique, surprising eccentricity. I know that our fifth child (our first boy, as it happens) will do the same.

Because I’m not overwhelmed yet. I am tired, to be sure, but not as tired as most of the doctors or corporate lawyers I know.

Because somebody should have lots of children. There should be families of all sizes. I value diversity. I like living among people of varied races, family structures, gender identities, abilities and religions. (And I wish my New Haven community had more diverse politics.) It seems to me that a neighborhood should have some ridiculously big families.

Because five isn’t that ridiculous, actually. My grandfather was one of eight, my grandmother one of 10.

Because I want there to be more Jews in the world. My people suffered a huge demographic catastrophe within my parents’ lifetime, and I like the idea of doing my small part to repair that damage.

Because with a big family, I never have to feel guilty about the clutter. When the children are off to college, I’ll clean up.

Because the further I get from being able to afford college for my children, the less I worry about it.

Because now I know what I’m doing until I am 62 and the nest is empty. I’ll be raising children. No matter what happens with my career, no matter what my fortunes are, and even if I never get around to finding a hobby, I’ll feel busy and full of purpose.

Because even if I never get grandchildren, our Thanksgiving table will still be crowded.

Because my 11-year-old likes poker, and for that she needs more players.

Because I’m scared of being alone, and the more children, the more chance that somebody who loves me will be nearby.

Because when I think of those countries where birthrates are so low that nobody has siblings any more, I get sad.

Because, in a country that does so little to enable parents to be with their babies, I am that rare father or mother who can take a lot of time away from work.

Because, not being inclined to rock-climbing, microdosing or day-trading, I need something a little risky.

Because my wife is beautiful pregnant.

Because having children has made our marriage stronger.

Because I’m going to weep like a baby when, next week, I drop off my youngest daughter for her first day of kindergarten. And it will help if I know it’s not my last first day of kindergarten.

–– ADVERTISEMENT ––

Because, in general, people should do what they want to do. People who don’t want children should be proud and unashamed in living child-free, and people who want two should stop at two, and people who want five dogs should lead a barkful life. And those of us who want five children should have them.

General Conference

General Conference it always challenging for us.  I'm sure there are kids out there who can play quietly or maybe even watch conference, but those are not kids who live in THIS house, that's for sure.

This year we tried laying out snacks and when they heard a certain word, they could eat the snack that was assigned to that word.  It worked really well for the first session!

This could be an advertisement for our church!!!

There they are, listening to President Nelson!

I love that Craig bothered to take an artsy shot of the snacks!

Anyway, during those first few minutes of conference, we actually heard EVERYTHING.  So we were totally listening when they announced that we would be changing to two hour church, rather than the full three hours that have been happening every week of my entire life.

So that was a big deal!  But of course, they also emphasized how the purpose of this change was so that families could have more time to teach their children the gospel in the home, rather than it happening at church.  So as much as I wanted to do a happy dance, I also felt a tremendous responsibility with the whole change, too.  So it was nice that as I contemplated being a more involved parent, my kids were actually being very good right at that moment, and I felt like it just might be possible.

I guess we'll see!

But hey-- two hour church!  Who would have guessed?

Later on, my kids were behaving more like this:

Ryder has given himself antennae.  And a goatee?

This is how Camille chooses to watch conference.  It looks very awkward for Craig...

During Women's Session of conference, President Nelson challenged the women to take a 10-day break from social media or media that we felt was not a positive influence in our lives.  This was perfect timing because I had spent the last two weeks following the Supreme Court stuff OBSESSIVELY.  I had several different news sources (trying to not just stay in my bubble!) that I would check in on, and then when they didn't have anything new, I would branch out to other places.  Craig would come home and I would have to word vomit all about it for an hour.

I knew what I was doing probably wasn't very healthy (and it's not like I was going to be asked to vote on the final decision) so I'd been telling myself that once it was all over I should take a break from the news for a bit.  Well, now a prophet asked me to do the same!

I went home and told Craig all about it and he got even more gung-ho than I was, and decided our whole family should take a ten-day break from screens.  This seemed a little extreme to me (HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY DAILY NAP IF THE KIDS AREN'T WATCHING TV????) but in a spirit of supportiveness, I agreed to do it.

So today is Day 4 of no television and not much internet.  (Obviously some internet is allowed or else I couldn't be blogging about it right now.)  I'm staying away from my news feeds.  The kids are off YouTube.  And it's been interesting.  The first day there was some crying, mostly from Camille.  Maybe a little from me.  But everyone has gotten used to it pretty quickly. 

Last night we got so much rain from the tail end of Hurricane Michael that all after-school activities were canceled.  This meant that Craig got to come home early STAY HOME-- a rare thing!  And best of luck, I'd made a really good dinner, too, so that alone would have been pretty fabulous.  But then we decided to play games as a family, something we haven't done much of.  First it was Twister:

I mostly love Ryder smiling in the background...

...And then laughing uproariously here!

And then later, Camille decided to drape herself over Bentley.  Notice he's giving me the thumbs up-- he wouldn't put up with this from Ryder, that's for sure!

We played a round of Go Fish (which is way more fun with seven people than with two!) and then everyone ate cookies (which I'd made the night before instead of watching tv-- this "media fast" is bad for my waistline!) and then we sent the little kids to bed so we could play Code Names with the big kids.

It was an absolutely wonderful night, I went to bed so happy.

Bentley's Talk

Hi, my name is Bentley Smith and I was asked to give a talk on how I can prepare for the second coming of Jesus Christ.  Before I begin I would like to say that I will be turning 12 tomorrow and I was this close to not having to give a talk.  I've heard that they held the primary program a week early just for me.  Thanks.

Now then, there are many ways to prepare for the second coming of Jesus Christ.  Some ways we can do this are by reading the scriptures daily.  I have been reading my scriptures daily for a while now and I just finished Alma.  Every night before I go to bed I read one chapter of my scriptures.  I think reading your scriptures before bed and, if you still go, before going to school is a good idea because then you can be prepared for the day that lies ahead of you.  In Alma it talks about how you need to keep your faith in the Lord.  In Alma 44:4, Moroni said to Zerahemnah, "Now ye see that this is the true faith of God; yea, ye see that God will support, and keep, and preserve us, so long as we are faithful unto him, and unto our faith, and our religion; and never will the Lord suffer that we shall be destroyed except we should fall into transgression and deny our faith."  I like this scripture because it reminds us that as long as we stay faithful to the Lord, we will not be destroyed.

Another thing you should do is pray every night.  I have been praying every night starting a while before I started reading my scriptures.  I read my scriptures and then say a prayer.  Praying is important because it is the only way you can communicate with Heavenly Father.  When you pray, you should thank Heavenly Father for everything and then you should ask for what you need.  Praying is a very reverent thing.  When my little sister says prayers, she just says the same thing over and over and over again.  Of course, she says it in different ways every time.  First she says thank you for this day and then she proceeds to say and please bless...  And then she names everyone in my family, sometimes including stuffed animals and our pet bunny.  When you say prayers you should not say the same thing over and over.  Sometimes I have to remind myself not to do this. 

Another way you can prepare for the second coming is by going to church regularly.  I go to church every single week.  Even when we are out of town traveling or something, if it's Sunday, Mom will pull over at a church and we will get out of the car and go to sacrament meeting.  Going to church is important.  When you're a kid you go to primary and learn the basic stuff like how to pray and how to sing some songs, etc, etc.  When you get older, I'm told you learn even more about the church.  I'll take their word for it.  When you go to church you also take the sacrament and when you take the sacrament you are forgiven of your sins.  Sometimes people miss a week and that's okay but when you start making a habit of it, it is not good.  Going to church is a very important part of being prepared for the second coming of Jesus Christ.  If you did not go to church you would not know how to prepare for the second coming of Jesus.  These are some ways to prepare for the second coming of Jesus Christ.

The reason we do these things isn't just to do them, it's to become better people and be more like our Heavenly Father.

I know these things are true and that Joseph Smith restored the church and Jesus will come again.

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Update on My New Job

I've had this babysitting gig for a month now, and it's been going GREAT!

Seriously, I'm so pleased with it all!  I was nervous that this would be a terrible mistake and I'd dread the days that I was doing it (like every time that I was in charge of my kids' preschool co-op!).  But this is completely different.  So here are the many reasons that I am loving babysitting:


-PAYCHECK.  Not gonna lie-- I like getting paid.  And it helps that they're paying me pretty well, too!  Few things make me happier than the little cash register CHA-CHING noise my phone makes when I deposit a check!

Theo wants to eat out on the deck with the girls

-Only 2 days a week.  That's just perfect.  If it was more, I'd feel trapped.  And less would probably feel like a lot of effort feeling like I'm "on call" but not making much.  But two days has been juuuust riiiiiiiight.

Theo enjoys crawling through the fort Ryder built

-Everyone has been very flexible, which is nice.  Danielle only works four days a week and her mom watches the kids the other two days, so we swap things around when one of us has something going on (like a dentist appointment or my Dad coming to visit), and that's worked really well.  It's delightful working with reasonable people!

Two Pretty Princesses!

-I genuinely like both Theo and Quinn.  This is more important than you might think, because (despite being a mother of five) I don't necessarily like all kids.  There have definitely been kids in my children's preschool co-ops that I had trouble dealing with, and that made for a pretty miserable experience for me.  (I am just PRAYING that I managed to mask my feelings of dislike for those kids?  Hopefully?).  But Theo is an absolute sweetheart and Quinn is exactly the kind of head-strong girl that I adore.  So that's been fantastic.



-Danielle and Tim (the parents) do all the hard stuff for me.  They pack the kids' lunches (way better lunches than I've ever made for my kids!).  They do all the picking up and dropping off (including Quinn from preschool).  I just have to be here and keep them happy for a few hours.



-My kids like Theo and Quinn, too.  Camille has done very well sharing Mommy with these new kids, so that's good.  (That's not to say that she and Quinn don't occasionally struggle to get along-- Camille feels she should be in charge since it's her house, and Quinn thinks she should be in charge because she's older.  But overall they do pretty well!)  We had one day where the kids were home from school and I was babysitting and I was pretty nervous for how that would go, but it turned out to be AWESOME!  The kids were so excited to have a baby around that they all clamored to help with Theo!  They took turns feeding him and everything!  And Quinn adores Colton and eagerly follows him everywhere, so she was thrilled to have him home with her all afternoon.  When her Dad came to pick her up, she actually burst into tears because she didn't want to leave.  Success!

Ryder did such a good job feeding Theo!

So naturally Colton wanted a turn, too!

-Someone asked me recently if I was done having babies, and I joked that I wouldn't mind having a baby when all the kids were at school, but I didn't think I could handle having a baby around once they all came home.  Well, this way I get just that: a baby to play with while my kids are at school!  And then as soon as they come home, I give him back to his parents!



-It gives me permission to be lazy.  I know that sounds funny, but it's really true.  I'm pretty driven and most days I have a checklist in my head of all the things I ought to be getting done, and those things often seem more important than sitting and reading a story to my kids or just watching them play or holding them on my lap.  But since I'm getting paid to take care of these kids, then those other things are no longer a priority!  So I give myself permission to sit quietly on the couch and hold Theo when he needs to snuggle.  That's my job!  A trip to the store can wait.

They love him!

*Sidenote: the day that all the kids were out of school, we also wound up with about four extra neighborhood kids all running through the house, too.  This is fine since they all play nicely together (the only extra work is just the sheer number of cups they leave all over the kitchen).  The shocked look on Quinn's Dad's face when he came to pick up his own kids and kept seeing kid after kid zooming past was priceless!

I'm like the Pied Piper or something!  But without the rats or death...  Or kidnapping.

Bentley's Last (and Camille's First!) Primary Program

A couple months ago, the primary president, Juli Rohm, called me to ask some questions.  She didn't understand why Camille was still in nursery even though she turned three back in February, so I was explaining how she would move up to primary when the new year began.  This led to a discussion of Bentley turning 12 and moving out of primary and I asked when the primary program would be, since I wondered if he would be in it this year.  She assured me that they had purposely scheduled it for the day before his birthday JUST for that reason.

And then I was kind of obnoxious.  And I mentioned that, although of course all decisions were totally up to her and she had every right to say No to this idea, it would be pretty awesome for me if ALL of my kids were in this primary program.  Sister Rohm jumped on the idea, "Oh, that would be GREAT!  Let's do that!!!"

So a few weeks ago we had the only primary program I will ever see in which all five of my children took part.

And it was so sweet.  Colton and Camille were right up front and you could just barely see their faces peaking over the stand.  And they smiled so adorably at us and knew all the words to all the songs.  Ryder was in the very back corner, but you could still hear him for every song (I'm pretty sure that's why he was in the back corner, actually-- he got my lungs, I'm afraid!).  Kendra had a big part reading a bunch of scriptures throughout the program and did it all perfectly.  And Bentley was asked to write his own 5-minute talk (which is no small feat!) and he did a wonderful job!  I don't think I helped him with his talk at all, and I thought it was really good-- in fact, I'm going to post it here, for posterity and all that.

Anyway, I was very grateful for our primary president indulging me like that.  Life doesn't hand you very many perfect moments like that, so you really have to bask in them when they do come along!

The following day (!!!) Bentley turned 12, and my Dad flew out so he could be a part of Bentley being ordained a deacon, so it's been a busy and wonderful week!  Bentley is very relieved, though-- since General Conference is this weekend, he gets an extra weeks before he has to pass the sacrament.  He'll do great, though, I'm quite certain!

And by the way, Happy Birthday, Bentley!