Deep

So I’ve begun exercising. Don’t be impressed—- if I manage to do it twice a week I count it as a success; three times a week and I get so proud of myself that I eat ice cream to celebrate. So naturally, I haven’t lost any weight at all. But even if my weight doesn’t change, I still think it’s good to be moving a bit, right?

Anyway, so you’re not allowed to think that I’m completely insane, but the workout video that I bought for myself is a bellydance DVD. And I think it’s really cool. Notice that I don’t say I’m any good at it, because I’m not, but I do have fun trying. I figured there was a better chance that I’d actually work out if I thought it was fun. (I like doing aerobic dance, too, but I wasn’t sure there was enough room in the basement for that!) The funny thing about this DVD is that I really like the instructor—- Dolphina, if you’re up on your bellydancers—- but I only like her when she messes stuff up. For example, she teaches one move and says, “Let’s practice that once!” and then, after you’ve done it once, she laughs at herself and says, “Okay, just kidding, let’s do that four more times.” And I love that—- it just makes me laugh. There’s another time when you’re practicing tucks and pops and she’s telling you to imagine that you’ve got a precious ruby tucked into your navel, but then you realize that it’s flawed, so you’re going to pop it out. After doing that eight times, it’s time to tuck the ruby back into your abdomen, at which point Dolphina announces, “You realized that it wasn’t flawed after all!” but she’s laughing as she says it, so you know that she knows it all sounds ridiculous too, and it’s just hilarious to me.

So I like that.

But what I hate is when Dolphina tries to be DEEP. Every so often she needs to throw in these really stupid remarks that I just know are aimed at being deep. The worst is the very end after you’re done cooling down. Clasping her hands in front of her in what I can only imagine is meant to be a ponderous yoga stance, she announces, “When you awaken the goddess within you, magical things will happen. Peace.” This last word is spoken as she slowly closes her eyes, in case you hadn’t already figured out that this was a deep moment. Yeah, thanks, Dolphina. I’m sure magic is just around the corner. (If I’m going to believe in any sort of magic, it’s going to be the Harry Potter variety of magic, not the peace and yoga fitness variety!) On a similar note, during the warm-up, as she’s talking about sucking in your abdominal muscles, she announces that these are your core muscles. “They’re also,” she says, “your chi energy.” Now, I do not claim to know much about yoga, or chi, or even feng shui, but I’m pretty sure that the concept of chi is a lot more complicated than just your abdominal muscles. Anyone out there who can back me up on this? It just makes me want to yell, “Stop trying to be deep and just teach me some cool bellydance moves! You’re not my spiritual adviser, you’re just some chick with an exercise video!”

Anyway, I wonder if people with no religion take this more seriously. I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry for them if they do.

But I will also admit that few things give me greater joy than when I can do the “bicycle hips” move really well!