For Carla

Carla passed away Wednesday night. I knew that earlier in the day she had been coughing up so much blood that the doctors had finally had to close off one of her lungs and sedate her. So when I found out the next morning that she had died, it wasn't a huge shock. But death is always a little bit shocking, no matter how prepared you ought to be for it. I'm so sad for my friend. I've been missing her for a few weeks now, but the full brunt of that sorrow is starting to weigh down on me now. But I'm also a little relieved to know that she isn't suffering any more.

My sister has a friend who has worked as a midwife and as a hospice worker-- talk about opposite sides of the spectrum! She explained that there is a very spiritual element in both birth and death. And this makes perfect sense to me. Being born forces you through this scary time and then you are lovingly placed in the arms of your mother. I see death as a kind of birth that returns you to the arms of your loving Heavenly Parents. And while I think both must be rather dramatic and-- let's face it-- possibly even terrifying experiences, as soon as it's over, the tears are wiped away and you're surrounded by love and amazement for what just transpired. I hope this is what has happened for Carla.

Even in her death, I am aware of many little blessings for which I am very thankful. And which I am going to list here, mostly to help me remember them.

First and foremost, I'm thankful that I was able to visit Carla. It would have been easy for Craig to tell me it was too expensive or too difficult or that we should wait until spring break or any number of things. But he didn't do that at all. He wrapped his arms around me and asked me when I should go. And then he looked up airline tickets for me. Thank you for understanding, Craig, and for making this happen. I would have been devastated if I wouldn't have had that last chance to see Carla and her children.

I'm thankful that I got to hear Carla's voice one last time on Sunday. She had stopped answering her phone by then-- talking on the phone made her cough too much. So I would call just to leave messages telling her I loved her, but not expecting her to answer. On Sunday, as I was driving home from church I thought to call her (which is unusual, since I don't normally call anyone during that short drive). I was surprised when someone answered-- her sister Cathy had picked up. I asked what the latest news was and told her to please tell Carla that I loved her, and in the background I heard Carla say, "Tell Alanna I love her!" That little sentence brings me so much peace now.

I'm thankful that Carla was able to visit with her children one last time on Sunday, the day before she was placed in the ICU. When I learned she'd been sedated, I worried that she had missed her chance to say any last good-byes. But then I understood that this visit with her children had been that chance. Her sister posted this picture on facebook. It looks like they had a lovely visit and I'm so glad for that.


I'm thankful that I was able to know what was going on these last couple weeks. I'm thankful that Cathy was willing to post updates on facebook. (That seems like such a callous way to spread sad news, but I don't know how else she could have communicated with all the people who were worrying and praying for Carla.) I had worried that if or when this happened, I might not even find out about it for weeks. So I was thankful that Cathy kept everyone informed, and also that I saw her post announcing Carla's passing before other people had a chance to write all over her wall, sending their condolences and messages of grief (it would have been kind of shocking to see one of those posts first!). It's a little thing to worry about, but it's nice that I found everything out in the gentlest way.

Just a few hours before she died, I sent Carla one last email, thanking her for what a wonderful friend she's been. I can't imagine that she ever saw it or heard it, but I'm glad I wrote it, just the same. I'm glad that-- for once-- I didn't put off writing an email that I thought of.

When Carla was a little girl, she sat in her primary class and burst into tears because the teacher kept calling her Carla. Through her tears, she insisted, "My name's not Carla, it's Bobo!" Ever since she told me that story, that's been my favorite nickname for her. And lest you think I have the monopoly on dreadful nicknames, she always called me Alanna-Mahana (all you familiar with Johnny Lingo will get that reference. And yes, it was usually accompanied with, "Alanna-Mahana, you ugly! Come down from that tree!").

Rest in peace, Carla. Thank you, again, for being my best friend. We'll continue this friendship in the hereafter. But until then, I'll miss you forever, Bobo.

Craig Quote

As we watched Ryder trying desperately to run and keep up with Bentley and Kendra, Craig commented, "Do you ever get the feeling that we just shoved a brand new driver onto the autobahn?"

Good luck, kid!

My Cause Right Now

My friend Carla isn't doing well. She's been in and out of the hospital for the last couple weeks, mostly because she's been coughing up blood. Apparently the cancer in her lung has formed a bleeding lesion. They've also found a couple new spots of cancer, too, so that had to have been incredibly disheartening.

Tomorrow is a Sunday which my church devotes to fasting-- it's a time when we go without food or water for about 24 hours and pray with special intent for whatever we feel we need, physically or spiritually. I know of several congregations that will be fasting and praying for Carla tomorrow. If you don't have anything you're already worried about, please consider joining all of us in praying for Carla. I can't imagine anything more difficult that what she is going through right now.

I believe in a God of miracles. I believe that even now, it's not too late for a miracle. And I can admit that I want one for purely selfish reasons: because the idea of a world without Carla in it terrifies me.

Carla has been my best friend since our freshman year in college. She's the kind of friend who, when you're a dumb sophomore, pulls you aside and lovingly tells you to stop being an idiot. And she does it so sweetly that you know she's saying this because she truly does love you. And you can only be grateful to have a friend who does hard things like that for you. Which means you have to actually try to stop being so dumb. The kind of friend who offers to do your laundry for you, the perfect roommate who cleans the apartment when she's stressed out. The person that you plan to live in the same retirement home with some day, so you can enjoy one another's company, but also take turns turning off each other's oxygen and pulling other fun pranks like that. She's the kind of friend who drives 8 hours one-way across Japan just to have lunch with you when you're a missionary. And she brings a suitcase full of American foods and shampoos along with her.

She's the kind of friend who throws you a bridal shower and then a baby shower a year or so later.

At my wedding, my maid of honor

Who, when she's watching your baby at Disneyland, buys him his first set of Mickey Mouse ears to try to keep him happy while you're away on a ride.

We still have Bentley's Mickey Mouse ears. He actually likes to wear them now, too!

She's the kind of friend you almost want to keep all to yourself, but you know she's so great that it doesn't surprise you a bit to look at her facebook group and realize that most everyone else considers her their best friend, too. (But really, I know I'm one of the few who she calls that. Really!) And instead of being jealous, you're just glad to see how many other people recognize how wonderful she is.

A bunch of roommates who all came from St. George the same weekend I came to visit-- yup, she's that popular!

So you can see why I just don't want Heavenly Father to take her away from all of us just yet. The world needs Carla.

I love this picture from her wedding day.

Please pray for Carla.

What Character Would You Be?

I woke up suddenly at 4:48am. Something was not right.

I listened for a moment and realized that I had accidentally gone to sleep with my door shut, the fan running, and the windows open-- a mistake I usually never make. With all three like that, there was no chance that I would hear Ryder if he woke up. I listened for one more moment-- yup, I could barely make out the sound of him screaming.

I quickly warmed up a bottle of milk, cuddled him while he guzzled it down, and put him back to bed. He slept super late the next morning, leaving me wondering just how long he'd been crying before I woke up? Sorry, baby!


Anyway. I can remember when my Mom used to read the Madeline books to me. I always related to Madeline-- I can picture me as a kid falling into the river, enjoying the attention I would get had my appendix ever needed to come out, and certainly not being afraid of the tiger at the zoo or mice. (I certainly have never loved winter, snow, or ice, though!)

But apparently, now, I relate more to Miss Clavel.


That's me! Or since these books take place in Paris, perhaps I should write, "C'est moi!"

Disappointment in the Kitchen

You know you're lazy when your back hurts from laying down too much. In my defense, I was sick today. But that doesn't mean I can't get Lucille Bluth's voice out of my head purring to her daughter that her twin brother had called her, "'A stay-in-bed mom...' Probably because you're lazy and you don't work. His words! Not mine..."

Yup. That was me today. The good news was that I didn't have much of anything going on today, and the kids mostly let me get away with being sick. This would have been worse if I'd had to cancel any big plans for the day. The bad news is that Craig is even worse off than I am, so I still got to be in charge of feeding the kids and putting them to bed. He did, however, conveniently schedule a doctor's appointment for himself tomorrow within ten minutes of Kendra's 4-year-check-up, so I guess we'll have a nice family outing in the morning!

The really annoying thing about all this is that I can't help but blame it on the awful dinner I made last night. Last night's dinner was so sad. I've said before on this blog that my cooking has come a long way since I first got married (when I knew how to make about three dishes, and they all served no less than 12 people). I can make breads and soups from scratch (the key is as much sour cream, heavy whipping cream, and cheese as you think your arteries can handle!), and desserts and all kinds of stuff now. I can even sometimes have it all ready at the same time! So I've also gotten more confident in my ability to spot a yummy recipe. But boy did I fail with this one.

It sounded so good: Thai vegetable curry. Doesn't that sound delicious? And it was from Dr. Fuhrmann's book, so it was healthy, too! Now, at this point, I should probably admit that I did not follow the recipe exactly. Usually when I'm trying something new, I follow it to. the. letter. That way, if I don't like it, I don't have to second-guess myself, wondering if it would have been better if I'd made it properly. So I didn't give Dr. Fuhrmann the chance I usually would give him. But in my defense, I have no idea where to find watercress (so I left it out) or Vegi-Zest seasoning (so I did what I usually do for that, and used a little bit of Mrs. Dash instead). I also used a little extra coconut milk, because I figured why not?

And this recipe was a pain. It called for a ton of ingredients (eggplant! bamboo shoots! watercress! coconut milk!) AND a bunch of fresh spices (mint! basil! cilantro!) so it was expensive to put it all together. And I had to do a lot of chopping, washing, and making rice. Expensive and it took a long time.

But I was excited to try it. I was even willing to inflict peanut butter on Craig for this one (he says this is the other reason he feels lousy today-- guess I can't pull that little trick any more)! I spent money like we had it and slaved away in the kitchen and sat down excitedly to eat this meal. And with the first bite I realized that it tasted...

...like

...nothing.


Seriously. It tasted like absolutely nothing. How could all those ingredients add up to no flavor whatsoever???

I was so disgusted I only ate half of what was on my plate. Then I turned to cereal for a little comfort. And flavor. I couldn't even count on Craig eating the leftovers (thanks to the peanut butter), so I just threw it all away.

What a waste.

So then when I got up this morning and realized that I couldn't stay vertical without feeling dizzy, I went from being disappointed to being utterly disgusted with this meal. When I was at my worst, I couldn't even type out the words "Thai vegetable curry" to Craig without wanting to throw up.

Down with Thai vegetable curry!!!! Down with watercress and coconut milk! I hate you all. Never will I waste my precious time and money on you again.



Okay, I'm finished now. I'm going to go lay back down again.

A Look That Says It All

Story Time!

I mentioned that while I was in L.A., I got to visit my friend Shaun. He runs a retirement home, so he took me on a quick tour of it, showing me the various improvements he'd been working on. As we went, he explained that one resident had complained bitterly when Shaun changed the way the dining room was run. Apparently this guy was NOT HAPPY when Shaun 1) stopped the policy of having bagged dinners, 2) changed their entrees so that there were now two choices instead of just one, and 3) added a salad bar. I'm not sure why anyone would complain about ANY of those changes, but some people are very hard to please, apparently. And don't like change. Ever. To make matters worse, this guy voiced his opinion by posting a nasty letter of complaint that-- among other things-- called Shaun a Nazi. And the guy put up copies of his letter all over the entire home. Nice.

Anyway. He was sitting in the lobby as we wandered around, so Shaun pointed him out and told me the whole story. When we passed through the lobby again, this man stopped us and asked if Shaun and I were related. We exchanged that awkward, "We don't look alike at ALL, do we?" glance, and explained that No, we're just old friends. At this, the man told us that the reason he'd asked was because we had "the same vague, yet determined" looks in our eyes.

I can honestly say that NO ONE has ever said that about me! I can't decide if I should be more complimented or insulted by it, but every time I try to make up my mind, I just end up laughing too hard to care.

I wonder if I could put that on a resume some day.

Vague, yet determined.

That's me! (And Shaun, too, apparently!)

These Boots Were Made for Walking

The exciting news around here (which doesn't at all explain why I didn't blogged last week, but oh, well-- the truth there is that I have no explanation) is that Ryder, at 15 months, is FINALLY walking!

I shouldn't complain about him taking so long, because he still beats Kendra by a good month for that particular milestone. But still. I was getting tired of carrying him all the time, so I'm glad he's finally there. Two things really seemed to encourage him. The first was when I went to L.A.: he walked all the way through the kitchen the first day I was gone, at least 10 steps. Fortunately for my mommy-guilt-muscles, Craig caught it on video, so I got to see it, even if I wasn't actually there. (I also got to hear Craig cheering him along, which made me smile. And miss my boys. And smile some more. And then miss them and sort of maybe want to cry a little.) But after that, he took a hiatus from the whole thing. Until (thing #2), I complained about him not walking in the lesson I taught for Young Womens last week. That seemed to seal the deal, because after that, he became very determined and now he's walking about as much as he's crawling.

I'm having a lot of fun watching him. He's still bad enough at it that he has to hold his upper body very stiffly to stay balanced-- arms up at the ready, head thrown back, all that good stuff. It makes me laugh. It's fun to see how much concentration it takes, knowing that soon he'll be running to keep up with his brother and sister. (Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if he can out-run Kendra before the year is up. Not that I have any reason to believe that Ryder will prove to be so athletic, Kendra is just that slow.)

Also in the "let's talk about what Ryder is learning to do" department: today for the first time ever, he stood up without using something to pull himself up! All my kids do this-- they walk before they can stand, so if they fall down, they have to crawl to the nearest wall to pull themselves back up again. But today at church, Ryder began working on standing up without any help. This is ALSO fun to watch, since he does it by sticking his bum up in the air and then straightening up. (I've seen a few adults do it, too, but it's cuter when babies do it!)

Good times.

Here's a video that shows him taking a few steps. I fully expect that only Grandmothers will watch it-- that's okay!

More Granola (you know you want it!)

Hey, readers!

So before I left for California, in addition to packing, cleaning the house and trying (but failing) to get the emissions test done on my car, I also found time to finally try out my friend Emily's granola recipe!!! No applause until after you've tried it. Because you're going to need to try it. And then you'll really want to clap.

First, the recipe:

Emily's Granola
4 1/4 cup rolled oats
2 c slivered almonds (I just use the 1 2/3 cup/6 oz bag usually)
1/2 c wheat germ
1 c coconut
1 tsp salt
1/2 c canola oil (you can use vegetable/corn oil)
1 can low-fat sweetened condensed milk
dried blueberries or craisins (I put in 2 large handfuls)

Mix all together in a large bowl. Spread out on a sheetcake pan. Toast at 350 for 14 minutes. Stir. Toast 10 more minutes watching the last few minutes to make sure it does not burn. If you want it more moist you can use just 4 cups of oats.


And, naturally, I have to stick in my own review, too.

We loved it. It was hilarious to watch Craig's first few bites, because he looked so skeptical (it's always hard when you already have such high expectations, so he was trying to not expect Kat's granola). Then he suddenly smiled, nodded, and just said, "Oh, yeah." I had used blueberry-infused craisins (because they were cheaper than actual dried blueberries), and the granola tasted like blueberry muffins. But granola. It was great. And also a lot easier to make than the other recipe (partly because there are less ingredients to measure, but also because it has less steps and bakes hecka faster), so that's definitely a plus. I suspect it's not quite as healthy, so there is that to consider. But I'm not going to worry too much about that-- granola is inherently at least a little bit healthy, right??? And it also doesn't make as much. Yeah, yeah, you could double it (or halve Kat's recipe, I suppose), but then it wouldn't be quite as super easy as it is. So for now I'm not doing any doubling.

Anyway. I now have two great granola recipes! And you do, too!

Thanks, Emily!



P.S. I said in my previous post that I never bothered making this the first time I tried it because I couldn't find all the ingredients. Um, why was this so hard? I think I could tell you which aisle every single one of those ingredients is found in at SuperTarget. Apparently I have come a LONG WAY in my ability to grocery shop!