Christmas Chaos

I always have this idea that Christmas means relaxing in front of a crackling fire with a mug of hot cocoa and the whipped cream slowly melting into it while I contemplate presents under a glowing tree, cuddled up with Craig on the love sac.

Ahhh... So cozy!

And there definitely were a few minutes of that this season. But I think more than half of them didn't feel nearly as relaxing because I was trying to not spill that hot cocoa as I was jumped on by Bentley and Kendra. I love my kids, but they definitely take the "relaxing" part out of Christmas.

But this year, at least, if Christmas was less than relaxing, they are not the ones to blame. I'd have to say that the bulk of the blame rests solely on my own shoulders.

To kick it all off, I am the one who decided that we just had to have another baby. And while that was definitely the right thing to do and while I absolutely adore my little Ryder, new babies certainly push things into the "less relaxing" category. Especially when their arrival sends big sister into a dramatic phase of crying over everything. And more especially when they arrive right after Thanksgiving and just as the weather turns icy, thus ushering in the cold and flu season. Kendra is now on her second cold and deals with her illness by moaning 24 hours a day. You might think I'm exaggerating, but I'm actually not. At all. She sounds like a very small and lonely wolf all day and, more to the point: all. night. long.

I thought midnight feedings were exhausting, but this is ten times worse. And has definitely added to the chaos factor for this Christmas.

Sorry, I just love pictures of sleeping babies (maybe because they don't look so cross-eyed then...?).
Be prepared for a lot of these throughout this post...

So between the new baby and the cold (both weather and illness), things were going to be chaotic no matter what. But then we also spent the Saturday before Christmas completely busy first with the ward Christmas party and then with driving straight from the party up to Frederick, Maryland to exchange presents with two of my sisters. Unfortunately, it turns out that there aren't many places to meet up in Frederick, so we decided it would be easiest to meet at the mall. We didn't think about the fact that it was the last Saturday before Christmas! That poor mall was jam-packed full of people! Oh, well. It was still really great to see my sisters, so it was definitely worth it!

Meeting Santa at the ward Christmas party. Ryder slept through the entire thing!

Natalie and Tracy (holding Caleb and Ryder) at the Frederick McDonald's!

Looking very maternal as I try juggling two babies!

Again with the sleeping baby pictures...

Also "less relaxing" was me insisting that we could put Craig's grandmother's old furniture to good use. I'm a sucker for beautiful wood furniture, and so when Craig's Aunt Lynda said we could have whatever we wanted of Grandmere's, I started making lists of the things we wanted. Unfortunately, none of it was available until this month. This month! Can you hear the panic in my typing? This month! Craig's parents did most of the work, and graciously drove down to South Carolina to retrieve said furniture for us. How they fit this into their own busy schedules is something of a mystery to me. But it meant that they arrived, beautiful bedroom set and dining room table in tow, on Wednesday. And we frantically crammed it all into our little house and decided we'd just have to figure out how to arrange things so that they actually "fit" later. That has still not happened yet. Maybe today? Or tomorrow? Definitely some time this week. In the meantime, our box spring is now on the floor and there are several rooms that you can barely squeeze through in our house. And I am not someone who deals with messes like that without a fair amount of stressing out. Chaos!

This has nothing to do with the furniture, but I'm trying to break up the monotony of having too much text with a few pictures. These are capturing a rare moment when I can convince my kids to abandon their usual shorts and t-shirts for some weather-appropriate clothing. And I wonder why Kendra keeps getting sick...

The obvious solution would have been to work on rearranging furniture on Thursday. Then everything would have been ready before family showed up on Friday. But Thursday was the day that the Kennedy Center has their free sing-along Messiah. And having missed it last year (Disney World, and all that), I was bound and determined to not miss it again. So, once again, I made my life way more complicated than it needed to be. But I did have a marvelous time, so I think it was worth it. Craig's parents (again, very graciously) were willing to watch Bentley and Kendra for us while we took Ryder with us and waited in line for a few hours to make sure we got tickets. I guess we got there earlier than necessary, because we ended up sitting in the front row. No kidding. Ryder's ticket (because the Kennedy Center insists that anyone who is breathing have a ticket) was A-1 in the Orchestra section. Craig took pictures:

Ryder and I in the Hall of Nations

Ryder shows off his awesome seat!

My good friend Sarah also came. I highly recommend sitting next to a vocal performance major for occasions like this!

I've already blogged about how much I love the Messiah Sing-Along. If you're in the area, you should come with me next year! It really is such a wonderfully happy event! I think it's impossible to fully appreciate the joy of the "Hallelujah Chorus" until you've sung it at full voice along with 2,000 other people! This is what Christmas is all about, after all.

(Ryder, for the record, was great. There is no easier way to make friends with strangers than to carry a tiny baby around with you. Kids loved him. The ushers loved him. The security guard moved a couch so I could sit while in line. And then the people in line with me offered to save my place so I could continue to sit while the line moved forward. Even the violinists smiled down on him! So kind! So in keeping with the spirit of Christmas!)

So, yes, Messiah was wonderful. But. It meant that my house was still a wreck on Christmas Eve. And then we were too busy with Christmas and family to do anything about it.

We did, however, find time to make cookies. Kendra enjoyed helping Daddy with this endeavor.

My sister and her husband and two children came Friday (Christmas Eve) morning. I wish I could say that they spent Christmas with us, but alas, they were only using us for our handy airport! They flew out to spend Christmas with her in-laws wicked early on Christmas morning (I actually was awake, feeding Ryder when they left, but I didn't get up to see them off). But it was still fun to have them with us for Christmas Eve! A couple highlights included having my sister play her violin to accompany us with the traditional singing of Christmas carols and dressing all the cousins in matching pajamas! So fun!

Chaos! And this isn't even one of the rooms where we added furniture!

Cousins in matching pajamas! So fun!

Reading 'Twas the Night Before Christmas with Daddy/Uncle Craig

Now that Ryder's awake, we needed to take another cousin picture

Note: it's really hard to get five children all under the age of 4 to hold still, let alone smile!

It's the back of these p.j.'s that really make them adorable!

Also arriving on Christmas Eve were my in-laws (who, you may recall, had already been here to deliver furniture and then to watch Bentley & Kendra while I was busy singing some Handel). They totally out-did themselves this year, and the bar had already been set pretty high by them! My mother-in-law, bless her heart, decided that she didn't want to leave any mess behind at all when they left. So they brought everything with them: linens, towels, and everything for Christmas dinner (including two rolls of paper towels for cleaning up the kitchen). Everything we might have needed, my mother-in-law brought, cooked, and then cleaned up when we were done. I'm so spoiled. Thank you, Donna. Really. Thank you so much. If all the chaos I've been describing didn't cause me to have a nervous breakdown, it's definitely because of all your efforts.

They also brought approximately eight thousand presents for everyone. Including the rest of the first season of Glee for me. Woo hoooo!

Before the kids can open anything...

Kendra tries on her Buzz Lightyear costume

More chaos!

Enjoying some snuggly time!

Kendra, post-cupcake

Ryder tries out a little thumb-sucking

So how do I even begin to sum up our Christmas? It was a lot of insanity. I have to admit that I am anxious to get my life and my house and my children's health back in order. But Christmas was also happy and wonderful and everything Christmas should be. I guess the week before New Year's is for getting organized again, right?

But next year I'm going to schedule more hot cocoa-in-front-of-the-fire time!

Success!

I'm pleased to announce that I managed to bring all three kids with me to the doctor's this morning for Ryder's three-week checkup. All four of us were dressed and fed, and we even arrived on time. I'm pretty proud of myself. And I'm really relieved to have it done with.

I wish I could say that next on the list was a trip to the grocery store, playing in the snow with the kids, cooking a fabulous dinner, and possibly putting in some volunteer hours at the local homeless shelter. But the truth is that that one outing has me beat. I'm in my pajamas now (but I have showered, at least!) and will feel pretty accomplished if I manage to blow dry my hair. If I'm really feeling energetic, I might do the dishes from yesterday. Maybe.

What accomplishments are you proud of for today?

Another Pictures-and-an-Update Post

I'm trying to be better about pictures.

Here you can kind of tell how blonde Ryder's hair is. And yes, he does actually have some hair!

I just loved how tiny his feet looked poking out of the bottom of this sleeper! It reminded me of this ultrasound picture....

Craig got to take the two older kids to church while I stayed home and took a much-needed nap.
But I did at least help him get the kids dressed before he left. And it turns out that we clean up pretty good, if I may say so myself! So then I had to take pictures.

I love Kendra's smile here!

As for me, I'm doing pretty well these days. I spent way too much time hanging out with friends yesterday, but loved every minute of it. Next time I should maybe schedule in some time for meals, though. For now, I'll just call it a "weight loss plan" instead of worrying whether I'm incapable of taking care of myself. The kids all got fed, at least. That counts for something, right? And speaking of food, my visiting teachers are being angels and bringing me dinners. I love the "dinners for women who just had babies" thing in our church. I was thinking about it, and I could count about eight different women I've brought meals to, and probably twelve that have brought me meals over the course of my three children being born. What a great way of serving each other! I know that I will always be grateful to the people who helped me out, and I love getting a chance to return the favor to someone else. It's a marvelous system.

Another marvelous system is the "We saw some snowflakes, cancel everything!!!" system here in Virginia. They have the same system in Seattle. And I love it! It's the reason that Craig gets to come home early today. I see hot cocoa by the fireplace in my very near future.

I think that's about it on my end of things. If you're in Manassas and one of the people I haven't seen yet, then would you please invite yourself over? I'm afraid of going anywhere in the snow, but if you're braver and/or better at driving in the snow than I am, then you are totally welcome to come hang out here! My kids aren't even sick any more, I promise!

Over and out!

It's Bound to Get Better, Right?

So here's the report on my first real morning on my own...

The entire time my Mom was here (and willing to stay up all night holding a cranky baby, should the need arise), Ryder slept great. Sure, he woke up to eat* once or twice, but other than that, he just slept away. So naturally, last night, the first night that my Mom is gone and that I actually need to get up in the morning, he didn't do that. He slept until 1:30 and then ate until 3:00 and then refused to go back to sleep! I didn't know what else to try and had used up my own good will, so I finally nudged Craig awake. He dutifully changed Ryder, burped him some more, and when Ryder continued to fuss, Craig put him in his crib and turned on the bathroom fan so we wouldn't have to listen to him any more.

I felt sort of bad about that, and promised myself I would check on him in ten minutes. But then instead I fell into a very unsound sleep, full of guilty feelings, but not quite heavy enough on the guilt to actually wake me up.

Three hours later, when Craig got up for work, he checked on Ryder and found him crying in his crib. I feel like THE worst mommy in the world. I really hope he hadn't been crying that whole time, but I have no way of ever knowing. Each time I've fed him since then, I've begged him to forgive me and tried to reassure him that I love him. He's mostly just slept, which makes me think he probably was crying for a good chunk of that time.

Any suggestions for how to relieve guilt? Other than promising to not do that again? How do you make things up to a two-week-old?



Later on, I woke up again (I do a lot of waking up these days) to my other two children marching into my bedroom naked. Kendra was at least still wearing her diaper. No such luck with Bentley and his underwear. To top that little performance off, Bentley also informed me that he was going to be pooping soon and I would need to wipe his bum. I guess that was considerate of him to at least give me warning, but it's still not the way I would choose to wake up.

Sigh.

If anyone has a "worst mommy" moment they want to share, I'm open to it. I would love to feel like I'm not the first person to sleep through possibly hours of their infant crying.

But if you want to just grab a whip and help me with my self-flagellation, I wouldn't protest too much. I probably deserve it.



*And unfortunately Ryder still isn't very good at latching on. It can sometimes take him as long as twenty minutes to get it right, during which time he gets more and more angry at me for not just feeding him already, before he finally figures it out and actually nurses like a normal baby. It makes for some very long night-time feedings! I don't remember this being a problem with Kendra...



P.S. A huge congratulations to my sister-in-law on the birth of their son-- Eli Thomas Smith, born Dec. 13th!!!! We can't wait to meet the little guy!
I think it's so cool that Ryder has three little cousins within six months of his age!

Baby Love

I've mostly spent this week falling in love with my little Ryder. I think I love the same things about each baby, but that newborn phase passes so quickly I'm trying hard to appreciate every detail this time. Here are some of my favorites things:

-The Superhero Stretch. This usually happens when I pick Ryder up under his arms after feeding him. He'll curl his legs under him, put one fist under his chin and stretch the other one out. He looks like a mini-superman. (Makes sense, if you remember that his father is so mild-mannered!)

-Newborn Noises. Even crying is sort of hard to take seriously in a newborn, but especially Ryder's cry, because when he gets worked up enough, he'll begin to snort. Kendra was the same way. According to one of the nurses, that's what happens to babies that have quick deliveries: they don't get all the gunk squeezed out of their lungs, so they tend to snort. Whatever the reason, it cracks me up every time. Ryder is also getting good at making that funny chuckling noise in his sleep.


-Those funny half-smiles. Someone decided that newborns smile in their sleep when they have gas. Talk about a killjoy! And I don't believe it for a second. Does that even make any sense at all? Not really. I think he's smiling because he's got a full tummy and is enjoying his sleep. I would, too. Maybe I do? In any case, they're adorable and I love it when I see those smiles flicker across his face.


-The rare occasions when he's actually awake. He just looks around with such a stoic look on his face. Ryder manages to do this with his mouth closed tight, which I think adds to the stoic-ness. Stiff upper lip and all that.


-Letting them sleep against your chest. They only do it for a month or two, but it sure is cozy and snuggly. How does anyone ever set them down when they're sleeping like this?


-Watching him move and remembering feeling those movements inside me. This is especially true of the small wiggly movements-- stretching his back to one side, and things like that. It makes me miss being pregnant (but don't worry-- not enough to do anything about it)!


-Usually when I burp Ryder, I lean him against my chest and he'll throw one arm around mine. It's the sweetest gesture and he is completely unaware of it.

-The other day I was holding him, and he linked pinkies with me. I made Craig take a picture.


It's a beautiful thing, this baby love.

Good Point, Actually.

Okay, so I don't normally base my life philosophy on what guests on the Conan O'Brien show say, but I think this guy actually made some really good points. Thanks to Craig's brother for showing us this one. And apologies for the swearing (although it is bleeped out, so that's not such a big deal, right?).

Hope you enjoy it, too!

Pictures and a Quick Update

Hey, everyone! I'm sure you've been checking in every day hoping for more pictures of my little family, right? Well, who am I to disappoint? Here goes:

Last day in the hospital and I'm feeling good enough to put on a little makeup. Not bad.

Ryder's going home outfit. I bought a girl one and a boy one, just to have my bases covered.
But I forgot to bring socks for the poor guy!

Bentley was so excited to have me home that he celebrated by wearing Craig's pajama pants.
I think it's a good look for him.

Kendra immediately followed suit. I like that her shirt sort of matches my pajamas!

I managed to get a picture of Ryder with both eyes open! Sorry it's a little dark-- I hated to use a flash.

Bentley reminisces about his days spent in that same carrier.

This week has been pretty good, although we're definitely suffering in the Sleep Department. It hasn't helped that Kendra was running a fever yesterday and kept waking up, and now Bentley has one, too. I guess it's nice that the entire family can be sleep deprived together, right? I'm just hoping all that stuff about breastfeeding giving babies some immunity to stuff like this is true. I can't think of anything much sadder than getting sick in your first week of life. Wish us luck there!

I managed to venture out of the house with all three kids today and go to my in-law's house for dinner. I was pretty proud of us all for getting there within an hour of when we said we'd be there. That's about how late we ran even before Ryder, so as far as I'm concerned, we're right on schedule.

Ryder is a typical newborn in that he sleeps a TON. And since he's my third kid, I now have enough parenting experience to enjoy this as much as possible. He's less typical in that he tends to have a bowel movement every fifteen minutes. It's kind of impressive, in a completely gross sort of way. I can never decide if it's better to let him sleep in a dirty diaper or if I should wake him up and change him. But when I need to wake him up during a feeding, this always works like a charm.

My favorite thing about him now, in addition to his tiny bit of hair, is the look he has on his face most times. Bentley used to give me this look that clearly said, "Do you have any idea what you're doing? Because I am not convinced." Ryder looks a little more stoic. He tends to let his eyes wander aimlessly around the room while pursing his lips slightly. The looks says to me, "Well, here I am. I guess. Try not to screw things up too much, okay?" (I am trying, buddy. Really, I am.)

As for me, I'm feeling pretty good, especially considering I'm only taking the occasional ibuprofen. If my life existed in the world of Harry Potter, I'd be making good use the reducto charm, if you know what I mean, but other than that life is good. I'm enjoying having help from so many people: Craig took most of this last week off to be with us all, my in-laws took care of the kids while I was in the hospital (and also cleaned, did laundry, and fixed things around the house-- I have all these cupboards that now magically close properly and a microwave that is so clean I almost didn't recognize it! I'm pretty sure my wonderful in-laws are the ones to thank for these small miracles). My sister also rushed down from Hershey-- with her two kids!-- before I could even get home from the hospital and helped out a ton-- she even thought to bring snack foods for my kids!-- and also kept my house remarkably clean, especially considering that while she was here, we had a 4-year-old, a 3-year-old, a 2-year-old, a 5-month-old and a 3-day-old all under one roof. What an adventure! And now my Mom is here also slaving away for me. I think I may have forgotten how to do dishes. It's great! Thank you to ALL of you for all your love and support and plain old hard work!

Every so often I start to wonder how I'll manage three kids on my own next week when all the help is gone. That's when I start to panic. So I tell myself-- Scarlet O'Hara style-- to not worry about it until next week. I've got time to get it all sorted out, right? But for those of you with a handful of kids, any tips you want to suggest will be more than appreciated.

And while I'm soliciting advice, I'm curious: How long is one allowed to wear maternity clothes after giving birth before it's downright embarrassing? No particular reason, I'm just wondering. ;)

Ryder's Birth

Well, I can't help but share all the details. It's just in my nature. So here is the full version of Ryder's birth...

It all began Saturday morning while we were driving to the Fairfax mall. I may have noticed that I had a couple contractions and not mentioned them to Craig. We did our shopping-- I actually found what I needed, so that was fantastic, considering I am NOT a good shopper!-- and headed back home. A couple more contractions then, which I did tell Craig about. He surprised me by staying very calm about it all, and suggested we go for a walk once we were home (and after lunch). We did this. I'm not really sure if the walk helped or not-- I had painless but walk-stopping contractions for the entire walk. What are those all about, anyway? I also got really annoyed with my jeans, which would not stay pulled up over my tummy the way I like them to. Really, am I that big? (Turns out I was...)

We got home, and I took a nap. Eventually we had dinner (gotta love Thanksgiving leftovers!!!) and decided to go with our original plan for the evening, which was to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I had contractions all throughout it-- 2 just during the previews!-- but it was a good movie to keep my mind off the discomfort and to keep me from worrying too much. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, despite the early labor!

Craig and I returned home and decided we should time the contractions for a bit. (He asked me if I'd been timing them during the movie, and I told him "No way." That's a terrible way to enjoy a movie!!!) They were averaging 6 or 7 minutes apart. So now we were stuck. I figured my options were to either head to the hospital knowing we were going way too early, or stay home and stress Craig out. The idea that we might have to go to the hospital once I was truly in pain didn't thrill me. I remember wondering how in the world I was going to survive sitting seatbelted into a car during contractions when I had Kendra, and still didn't relish the idea. So we decided it was best just to leave then. It was midnight.

On the phone with the nurse before leaving for the hospital

Checking into the hospital, the nurse put me in triage first. I was dilated to a four by this time, which was a little disappointing, since I'd already been at a 3 at my last doctor's appointment. The nurse confirmed that I was indeed having contractions. Yes, thank you very much for that. And I was admitted.

And that's when my battle with the medical staff began.

In October, Craig and I had toured the hospital, and I was thrilled with all the hospital's policies for labor and delivery. It all turned out to be wrong. I think I was just working with difficult doctors, but I ended up having to fight for everything I wanted during my labor. It was disappointing, but I did manage to get my way, even if it was at the cost of ticking off my doctors. I won't be seeing them again, anyway, so I guess that's not a huge price to pay.

The first fight was over putting in an IV lock. This basically just means that they have a tube in my veins on the off-chance that I need an IV later. This seems like a silly thing to fight over, but after I had Kendra a nurse stuck an IV in my wrist and the stupid thing hurt every time I tried to hold my baby! They left it in for an entire day, despite my complaints, so I really was hoping to avoid that again. The "discussion" over the lock went something like this (but over the course of an hour):

Me: I would really rather not have the IV lock. You could put it in later if it's necessary.
Nurse: Well, you can refuse anything, but the doctor really wants you to have one.
Me: Well, can we wait a few hours at least?
Nurse: You'll have to talk to the doctor about that. She's not in, but I guess I can page her...
Doctor (after an hour-long lecture at two in the morning on everything that might possibly go wrong during labor): So, that's why we'll be putting in the IV lock. We can put it in your arm if you're worried about your wrist movements bothering you.
Me: Um.
(Nurse sticks tubes into my arm)

After this, I realized I was going to have to be a little tougher. And I was.

There also seemed to be mixed signals about what exactly I was supposed to be doing once I got all checked in. While we were still in triage, I had mentioned that I would really like to get some sleep before heavy labor kicked in. This seemed like a good idea to me, since it was about one in the morning. The nurse seemed to think I was being silly and suggested instead that I walk the hallways to get things going. I didn't necessarily disagree with her, I just thought sleeping first seemed like a better idea. But then she went ahead and attached a fetal heart rate monitor (to just be referred to as The Monitor from here on out) to me, which made it nearly impossible to get out of bed. But while I laid in bed trying to sleep, she kept bursting in every twenty minutes to ask me when I wanted to get up and walk around, and assuring me that if I wanted to do that, she could take the monitor off the next time she came back. So I couldn't really sleep, but I couldn't exactly get walking, either. I was so confused.

Facetiming with my sister and her husband while I'm being monitored

Also, they insisted on monitoring me five out of twenty minutes. I'd been told on the tour that hospital policy was twenty minutes out of an hour, and my biggest plan for labor was to take a long hot shower. It seemed silly to get in the shower for just fifteen minutes, and I wasn't really sure what to make of that.

Eventually, I asked the nurse to just take the monitor off right then and I'd go walking, and she seemed okay with it. I walked for a little, first with Craig and then with Tracy (my sister, who had agreed to come and help out at the hospital).

Getting some water while I walk. Dang, I look huge!

The walking probably helped some. But it's a small wing of the hospital to stroll around in, so it got boring fast, plus I kept walking past some poor girl who was obviously in much heavier labor than I was, and I felt like a jerk smiling and waving at her while she was so miserable. Eventually, I decided just to retreat back to my room.

At some point during all this, I think around 6:00am, while I was back on The Monitor and trying once again to sleep, the doctor came in to check me. She happily announced that if I hadn't made any progress yet, she was going to break my water. I told her that I'd rather not have my water broken, to which she said, "Well, then, we'll send you home!"

Given my history, this statement shocked me. They would send me home when I was clearly someone who had fast labors? Can you think of a worse idea?

In hindsight, I think this was just the doctor's way of trying to force my hand, which actually makes me more angry. She explained to me that "most labors don't progress unless augmented." And that "this is the reason the rate of c-sections has been dropping." These two statements may be some of the stupidest things I have ever heard from a professional in their field. If labors didn't progress unless augmented, how has the human race survived for so long? And is she not aware that the rate of c-sections is still climbing in America?

Fortunately for me, I had dilated to a 6 by now, so the subject of breaking my water was dropped. Perhaps even more fortunately, this doctor's shift was about to end. I was not sorry to see her go. The next doctor was one I had seen a couple times at my own medical center, so I was hopeful that she would be willing to work with me more. She was a little better.

In the meantime, we turned on a movie-- About a Boy, one of my favorites!-- and I strolled around the room while Tracy and Craig watched, glancing at me nervously every now and then. You really do feel like something of a time bomb when you're pregnant, but even more so once when you're in labor! Some time during the movie, my contractions began to get genuinely painful. I couldn't talk during them any more, I just had to pause the conversation while I leaned against something and rocked back and forth willing the pain to go away. Eventually the movie got to be annoying rather than distracting, so we switched to music.

(I know, I know-- you've all been dying to hear what music I ended up listening to, haven't you?)

I surprised myself by starting out with Glee. Halfway through the first song, however, the nurse made me lay down so she could monitor me and a hard contraction hit. And that was the end of Glee. I just couldn't handle something as peppy as "Jump!" and try to ignore the pain at the same time. We switched to classical music.

The new doctor came on her shift and disappointed me right away by also insisting that I be monitored five out of twenty minutes. What this meant was that the nurse hooked me up to The Monitor and assured me she'd be right back, and then disappeared for twenty-five minutes. I finally called her and asked if I could have the monitor taken off, so she came back, looked at it, declared the results unsatisfactory, and said I'd need to keep wearing it for a while. Apparently Ryder's heartrate was too steady, and they wanted times when it accelerated for a bit. I'd been bouncing on my birthing ball at this point in time, but the nurse said I ought to lay on my side. So I did. And it was really hard to do. So I called her again after a few minutes and asked if maybe this time I could get off the monitor. She agreed, and I hurried into the shower before she could change her mind.

Finally, I was in control.

The shower was exactly what I needed. My Dad and I have agreed that a good, long, hot shower can fix a lot of problems, and apparently contractions are included in that category! Just for good measure, I had Craig bring the speakers into the bathroom, too, while I sat pouring hot water over me. Whenever a contraction hit I would rock on my hands and knees while Craig held the sprayer over my back and shoulders. Then I would get back up, shake it off, and chat with Craig until I could feel another one coming.

I don't know if this nurse was nicer than the first one, or if she could just see how much the shower was helping me, but she let me stay in longer by using a hand-held Doppler to check the baby's heartbeat once more. I don't think she ever got a super clear reading (she tried to check during a contraction, and I was having trouble standing still for her), but she smiled and said, "Good enough for me!" and let me get back to my business.

After about a half hour in the shower, I was starting to feel done for. That's when I began muttering things like, "I don't think I can ever have any more kids" and "I just might need an epidural after all. This is so hard." I couldn't get through the contractions without moaning and whimpering in pain. It was really awful. My only hope was that usually this is a pretty good indication that you're nearly done and about to move into the pushing stage. But I was frightened that this wouldn't be the case and that maybe I still had hours of this kind of pain ahead of me.

Even the shower wasn't helping any more, so I moved to the toilet. (For those of you who haven't given birth, I know this sounds pretty weird, but it's actually a fairly normal thing to do.) I sat on the toilet for one contraction and then my water broke with a big splash and I immediately moved to pushing. And it hurt. And I became frantic. I screamed to Craig that I was pushing, and he ran out into the hallway and yelled for someone to come because I was pushing. Tracy came in and wrapped a towel around my shoulders and Craig came back and helped me move to the bed.

I knelt on the bed-- this is what I did with Kendra, and it worked well-- and began pushing, and the nurses came running, screaming that I couldn't push until the doctor came and that I needed to lie on my back. Between pushes, I told them that I did NOT need to lie on my back and if the doctor wasn't coming that wasn't my problem. Craig told them that I'd given birth on my knees before and it worked just fine, and they clucked around me telling me they'd never delivered a baby like that and hollering about where was the doctor.

The doctor finally showed up, and she too insisted that I lay down. She said she couldn't see something properly unless I was on my back, but I kept refusing so she finally told me to at least lay down on my side. It turns out that it is really hard to move at that stage in the game. I finally made it to my side, at which point the doctor basically flipped my one leg over so I was effectively on my back just as I pushed Ryder's head out. He was blue, so the doctor told me to hurry and push again. I did, and he was out!

All done. Phew! (And I love the "I just got out of the shower wet hair" look. Awesome!)

It took him a moment to cry, but as soon as he did he pinked right up and looked marvelous. The nurses went about cleaning him up and measuring him while the doctor worked on me. I'm not sure what she was doing, but she was not gentle about it. She stitched me up and delivered the placenta, and must have been doing other things, too, but I have no idea what. All I know is that she either was mad at me or is used to working on women who have had epidurals, because whatever she was doing, it hurt a lot (and that was with lidocaine to numb me somewhat). It sort of took my natural high of giving birth down a notch, but as soon as she was done and I could hold my baby, I was as happy as could be. And now that I'm recovering and feeling so well, I know that it was worth every fight with the doctors to have the delivery go the way I wanted it to. Craig is going to have a hard time convincing me to go to a hospital with the next one, though...

Aunt Tracy holds Ryder while I get patched up

It took us a while to settle on a name. We had other names we'd been considering, too, but in the end, we both agreed that he just looked like a Ryder. So Lucky is now Ryder Philip Smith. I think I said it already, but he has wonderfully soft blonde hair that is so light it's hard to see. I love it. And I love stroking his head, it's so soft. At 9 lbs. 1 oz., he was quite a bit bigger than Bentley and Kendra (who were both about 8 lbs 5 oz), so I guess that's why it hurt so much pushing him out. I don't remember that much pain with Kendra at all. I guess that's one of the downsides to having a baby right after Thanksgiving!

Bentley and Kendra have gotten to visit me in the hospital and they enjoy holding their new brother. I'm sure they'll be less thrilled with him once he's home and they see how much of my time he takes up, but for now I'm just glad that they love him.

Bentley and Kendra are excited to see Mommy again (one of the really fun things about being a mommy!)

They're a little more apprehensive about this little bundle in my arms (especially Kendra)

Bentley loves holding his new brother

Grandma and Grandpa have been wonderful about watching our kids and bringing them to me for visits!

I already can't imagine life without my sweet little Ryder.