The Decision

Last week, Craig and I finally made our decision and hired a midwife.

I can't tell you how excited I am about this.  As of today, I am 25 weeks pregnant, and I have spent most of that time worrying about how best to bring this baby into the world.  After three really lousy hospital experiences (all of which were bad for very different reasons), I'm calling a "three strikes, you're out" and throwing in the towel on hospitals.  I am planning to have a home birth. 

Now, I realize that lots of people think that people who give birth at home are crazy.  I understand that line of thinking because up until Kendra's accidental home birth, I totally agreed with it.  People would ask if I was going to have her at home and I would laugh at them and remind them that I wasn't insane.  Until she was born at home.  And I realized that that was the best experience (and BY FAR the easiest labor) I've had.  And until Ryder's birth was so awful.  And then I started to wonder if I wasn't the crazy one for even considering going back to a hospital when it just wasn't what I wanted for my baby's birth.

I started reading more and more about labor and birth.  I started reading birth blogs by other LDS women who felt strongly that Heavenly Father cared about how His children were born.  And it made me feel that it was in my baby's (and my) best interest to do everything I could to ensure that my care provider was someone I trusted, which, as I've said before, was impossible with the way my insurance works right now.  The more I learned and thought about all this, the greater my desire for a planned home birth became.  There are so many aspects of a hospital birth that I don't want and so many things about a birth that I do want.  And while the hospital tours here all emphasize that they want everything to go the way you want it to go, the reality is that this rarely happens, and you have to fight for it every step of the way-- a lot of the things they do happen before you even realize what's going on, you're just so busy being relieved that labor is over.  (I know of plenty of people who have had wonderful experiences in hospitals birthing their babies, so I don't mean this in ANY WAY to be critical of you if that's how it's worked for you-- this is all solely based on my own rather anecdotal BAD experiences.  So please don't take this as a criticism of people who are happy to go to the hospital!  Honestly, I sort of wish I could have that experience-- my life would be easier and this all would have been a lot cheaper had they worked out that way!)

But I need to fight for the labor I want.

And what I want is to labor as peacefully as possible, without people poking needles into my arms and wrists, smearing goop on my swollen tummy which then makes the hospital gown stick to me like some slimy, cheap sheet, and feels absolutely awful, only to further the uncomfortableness by strapping things around that same swollen stomach and yelling at me if I move.  I don't want some stranger that I just met that day sticking their fingers up inside me and then threatening me with procedures I don't want or need if I haven't dilated enough to satisfy them.

When it comes time to push, I don't want people screaming at me that I'm doing it wrong, that I shouldn't be doing it yet, that I have to lay down on my back, or anything else for that matter.  I want someone to encourage me and tell me I'm doing great.  I want someone to tell me that we can see his head and then to bask with me in what a miracle this all is that I am pushing a living human being out into the world to take his first breath.

And then, when that moment comes, I want to be handed my baby all naked and wiggly the moment he is born.  I don't want him washed, poked, prodded, and wrapped up before I even get to see him and hold him.  I want them to wait a bit before cutting the cord so he can get that last little bit of cord blood that might be beneficial to him.  I want to skip the Hep-A vaccine, since he won't be at risk for that anywhere that I will be taking him.  (We'll do it later, when he's a little older and his immune system has had some time to mature.  I'm not anti-vaccinations, I'm just pro-waiting on vaccinations.)  I don't want his eyes smeared with ointment to protect him from chlamydia, because it turns out that I don't have-- have NEVER had-- any STDs (one of the many perks to following the rules of my church, it turns out!)-- I want my baby to be able to look around and see his mommy and daddy this first hour of his life.  I used to be grossed out by the idea of being handed a baby still covered in amniotic fluid, vernix, and who-knows-what-else, but I've done it enough times now to understand that I'm pretty gross by the end of labor, too.  So who cares if we're a bit messy together?  We'll both get baths in a bit, and that will be just fine.

I want to be in my home where I feel safe and secure and loved.  I want my other children close by, not separated from me for several scary days while they try to process this new addition to the family without their mommy nearby to help.  I want them to meet their baby brother right away and also feel the specialness of new life.

I understand things don't always go as planned.  Maybe something will happen that will force me back to the hospital for the good of my baby.  Maybe my midwife will turn out to be as mean as the doctors.  But I am trying to do everything within my power to make this into the experience I dream it can be.  And for now, that's everything I can do.