This was published in the Wall Street Journal back in August, and my sweet mother-in-law cut it out and sent it to us. And I
loved it. I didn't want to throw it away. So I'm copying it here so I can keep it forever. I hope you enjoy it, too!
Yes, We Really Do Want to Have a Fifth Child
Why have a big family? Glad you asked.
by Mark Oppenheimer
In about a week, my wife and I are expecting our fifth child. Among
people we know, this makes us a bit odd. We are not typical candidates
for a minivan-filling brood. We are not conservative traditionalists—not
Orthodox Jews, old-school Catholics or Mormons. Nor are we lefty
counterculturalists. We have no aversion to birth control, chemical or
otherwise. We’re pretty basic, middle-class HBO-watchers. My idea of
living on the edge is refusing to give up soda.
So why all the children? Until recently,
nobody would have asked. In 1976, 40% of mothers age 40 to 44 had four
or more children. Today, only 13% do, and when it comes to mothers with
graduate degrees (like my wife), only 8%. When people hear our news,
they often tilt their heads, nod and say “Great, great,” with the look
you give your friend who just got engaged to a man she met online last
week.
For us, there is no one reason. The simplest answer, “We think
five will be better than four,” is true, but it’s a bit of a dodge. So,
speaking for myself (my wife would put things differently, I’m sure),
here are some reasons why I wanted a fifth child:
Because every one of our four children has improved my life.
Each brought a special joy, an irreducible quirk, a unique, surprising
eccentricity. I know that our fifth child (our first boy, as it happens)
will do the same.
Because I’m not overwhelmed yet. I am tired, to be sure, but not as tired as most of the doctors or corporate lawyers I know.
Because somebody should have lots of children. There should be
families of all sizes. I value diversity. I like living among people of
varied races, family structures, gender identities, abilities and
religions. (And I wish my New Haven community had more diverse
politics.) It seems to me that a neighborhood should have some
ridiculously big families.
Because five isn’t that ridiculous, actually. My grandfather was one of eight, my grandmother one of 10.
Because I want there to be more Jews in the world. My people
suffered a huge demographic catastrophe within my parents’ lifetime, and
I like the idea of doing my small part to repair that damage.
Because with a big family, I never have to feel guilty about the clutter. When the children are off to college, I’ll clean up.
Because the further I get from being able to afford college for my children, the less I worry about it.
Because now I know what I’m doing until I am 62 and the nest is
empty. I’ll be raising children. No matter what happens with my career,
no matter what my fortunes are, and even if I never get around to
finding a hobby, I’ll feel busy and full of purpose.
Because even if I never get grandchildren, our Thanksgiving table will still be crowded.
Because my 11-year-old likes poker, and for that she needs more players.
Because I’m scared of being alone, and the more children, the more chance that somebody who loves me will be nearby.
Because when I think of those countries where birthrates are so low that nobody has siblings any more, I get sad.
Because, in a country that does so little to enable parents to
be with their babies, I am that rare father or mother who can take a lot
of time away from work.
Because, not being inclined to rock-climbing, microdosing or day-trading, I need something a little risky.
Because my wife is beautiful pregnant.
Because having children has made our marriage stronger.
Because I’m going to weep like a baby when, next week, I drop
off my youngest daughter for her first day of kindergarten. And it will
help if I know it’s not my last first day of kindergarten.
Because, in general, people should do what they want to do.
People who don’t want children should be proud and unashamed in living
child-free, and people who want two should stop at two, and people who
want five dogs should lead a barkful life. And those of us who want five
children should have them.
