The entire time my Mom was here (and willing to stay up all night holding a cranky baby, should the need arise), Ryder slept great. Sure, he woke up to eat* once or twice, but other than that, he just slept away. So naturally, last night, the first night that my Mom is gone and that I actually need to get up in the morning, he didn't do that. He slept until 1:30 and then ate until 3:00 and then refused to go back to sleep! I didn't know what else to try and had used up my own good will, so I finally nudged Craig awake. He dutifully changed Ryder, burped him some more, and when Ryder continued to fuss, Craig put him in his crib and turned on the bathroom fan so we wouldn't have to listen to him any more.
I felt sort of bad about that, and promised myself I would check on him in ten minutes. But then instead I fell into a very unsound sleep, full of guilty feelings, but not quite heavy enough on the guilt to actually wake me up.
Three hours later, when Craig got up for work, he checked on Ryder and found him crying in his crib. I feel like THE worst mommy in the world. I really hope he hadn't been crying that whole time, but I have no way of ever knowing. Each time I've fed him since then, I've begged him to forgive me and tried to reassure him that I love him. He's mostly just slept, which makes me think he probably was crying for a good chunk of that time.
Any suggestions for how to relieve guilt? Other than promising to not do that again? How do you make things up to a two-week-old?
Later on, I woke up again (I do a lot of waking up these days) to my other two children marching into my bedroom naked. Kendra was at least still wearing her diaper. No such luck with Bentley and his underwear. To top that little performance off, Bentley also informed me that he was going to be pooping soon and I would need to wipe his bum. I guess that was considerate of him to at least give me warning, but it's still not the way I would choose to wake up.
Sigh.
If anyone has a "worst mommy" moment they want to share, I'm open to it. I would love to feel like I'm not the first person to sleep through possibly hours of their infant crying.
But if you want to just grab a whip and help me with my self-flagellation, I wouldn't protest too much. I probably deserve it.
*And unfortunately Ryder still isn't very good at latching on. It can sometimes take him as long as twenty minutes to get it right, during which time he gets more and more angry at me for not just feeding him already, before he finally figures it out and actually nurses like a normal baby. It makes for some very long night-time feedings! I don't remember this being a problem with Kendra...
P.S. A huge congratulations to my sister-in-law on the birth of their son-- Eli Thomas Smith, born Dec. 13th!!!! We can't wait to meet the little guy!
I think it's so cool that Ryder has three little cousins within six months of his age!
5 comments:
I think we've all had the bad mommy moments. Once when Anna was almost one, she wouldn't nap, so I left her in her crib to cry it out. I went up to check on her and noticed that her room didn't smell so fresh, so I picked her up to change her and felt some resistance. She had some how grabbed the cord to the baby monitor and it was wrapped around her neck. Gah! I felt like the worst mother ever!
Just learn from the mistake, forgive yourself (he already has forgiven you) and move on!!
I can't wait to meet little Ryder!
I'm not a newborn person. They are cute and tiny and all, but I don't really like them (I mean I LOVE them) but I don't necessarily like them until they are 4 or 6 months old and I'm not so stressed out about their newness and fragility and total dependence on me.
I think I have blocked out all of my bad mommmy moments with the help of chocolate and internet shopping. I am pretty sure my kids have forgotten them too. If Ryder brings it up with he is old enough to talk then you can feel some guilt, but for now just assume he forgot all about it at the next feeding.
If you feel bad for sleeping while an infant cries, what does it mean that I WISH I could sleep while an infant cries? Who's the worse mom? :)
One time i watched Julian nose dive off the bed and land on his head/neck on the thin rug that covers our CERAMIC TILE FLOORS. Pretty sure he was going to have brain damage. He continues to still fall back/over sometimes and thunk his noggin on these stupid floors. I have transformed the guilt into blame & anger at stupid building owners who cover the place in ceramic tile.
I hate that blasted mom guilt. It sucks. Just don't think about it. You're a good mom. You're a good mom. You're a good mom! (you are)
The other day I told Sam that Heavenly Father loved him and wanted him to come home to him and then I told him we had to be righteous and choose the right to get back to HF. Sam said, "But Mom, you're not righteous because you yell." (I had gotten mad at him for pushing Lucy early that day) Ouch! Motherhood is hard, man. It's a good thing there are so many good moments too!
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