Overanalyzing Songs (Again)

I'm not super discriminating in what music I'll listen to.  And since the kids are around me pretty much all day long, this means that I also don't "protect" them from my music.  Don't get me wrong-- I'm not listening to anything terribly dirty or nasty.  (And when I listen to Eminem, I make sure it's the edited versions!)  But yesterday morning I was forced to admit that I might need to rethink this policy.

Kendra wanted me to play a song, and when she called it "The Train Song" I told her that I had no idea what she meant, and asked her to describe it more.  She immediately began singing, "You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me..."  She was referring to the song "Mean" by Taylor Swift.  I like that song, so I have no problem with Kendra knowing it.  But I was shocked by how well she knew those lyrics.  I don't think I could have quoted it verbatim like that!

So I need to be a little more careful, because apparently she didn't inherit the Bentley Family Curse of regularly screwing up song lyrics after all!

This means that songs like Bruno Mars' "Locked Out of Heaven," where he repeatedly sings that "Your sex takes me to paradise" is not going to be one that I'll be buying on iTunes any time soon.  My kids say enough cringe-worthy things without giving them ammo like that.

But not listening to this song is no sacrifice, anyway, because I hate it.  In the first place, I find the background "music" (dare I admit how curmudgeonly I am by referring to it as "noise"?) pretty annoying, so it was already off to a bad start by me.  But it's the phrasing of the offending line that really makes me grate my teeth.  Because I'm pretty sure that, grammatically speaking, "your sex" refers simply to this person's entire gender.  Which is a pretty dumb thing to sing about.  Sex with [a certain gender] brings you to paradise?  And you think this makes a love song? Come on, Bruno, it really ought to be "sex with you" or something a tad more specific, okay?  No girl wants a song dedicated to her to actually be about her entire gender.  That's just embarrassing.

And while I'm griping about Bruno Mars, I'm just gonna throw in these last two thoughts.  And keep in mind that I quite like Bruno Mars (who I saw perform when we were in New York a couple summers ago!), so I don't mean to sound as nasty as I'll probably come across.  But what is the deal with "It Will Rain" and "Grenade"????  I like these songs.  I think they're catchy.  I listen to them and sing along with them (well, I probably mess up the lyrics, but maybe some day Kendra will teach me the real words).  But if you pay attention to those lyrics, they are some of the most pathetic songs ever written!  I mean, can you think of a worse way to get a girl to stay with you than by telling her how miserable you'll be if she leaves and pointing out how much her parents hate you?  Seriously!  Even if they'd been really happy together, I think that song would kill it!

And "Grenade."  Do you really think that telling a girl how you would do everything imaginable for her but she won't do the same for you is really going to fix this terribly lopsided relationship?  Because I can promise you that it won't.  In fact, I'm pretty sure she already broke up with you, moved out, and probably burned all your photos.  So it's time to move on and stop dragging that piano all over town for what was ended a few months ago.  Let her go, man.  Just let her go.

And this is what I spend my time thinking about, rather than choosing a middle name for my next child.  Or planning birthday parties for the children I already have.  Or doing a thousand other more productive things with my life that I see you people doing all the time.

But really, you see my point, don't you?