Bittersweet

Just because you got the story of my trip home doesn't mean I'm done thinking and talking writing about all of this Bentley going off to school business.  I have a lot of thoughts tumbling around in my head and-- much like Dumbledore's pensieve-- it's high time I got them out and examined them a bit more closely so I can try to make sense of it all.  

I'm not usually a terribly emotional person (except for fireworks, which always make me cry and I have no idea why).  All summer, everyone (everyone!) has been asking me how I'm doing with Bentley leaving so soon and I'd always answer with a hearty "Fine!" but in my heart I was like, Should I be more upset about this?  Because why would I be upset about my son going to the school I wanted him to go to?!  Everything was going great!  Sure, I'm nervous for him-- I want him to get good grades (much better than mine were my freshman year!) and find awesome friends and get ready for his mission.  That's a tall order and I really hope he can succeed.  So I've been nervous.  But not particularly upset.

I mean-- yes, I knew that I would really miss Bentley.  He's growing up to be such a fun kid (even though he's been taller than me for a while and has the deepest voice of any of the priests blessing the sacrament-- obviously he's going to feel like a kid to me for a long time to come).  We have a lot of fun together-- we have the same sense of humor and enjoy the same shows-- we're always up for watching another episode of Buffy or Arrested Development.  Late at night he'll pull up a bunch of saved Tiktoks to show me and Craig and we have the best time laughing together.  Or he likes to wait until around 10pm and suddenly ask us a truly interesting question about politics or Church doctrine and we'll sit around discussing it all and it's so amazing watching him learning and getting it.  

I don't usually bother saying it on this blog because I figure you all know this already, but I honestly am so proud of the young man he's growing up to be.  And I just like him a lot, you know?  Because everyone loves their kids, but truly enjoying their company seems like next-level appreciation to me.  Bentley is there, all the way.

So yes, I'll miss him tons, but I'm also so happy for him!

But then, a couple of weeks ago, I was hanging out with some friends of mine, and the ones who are older than me and have grown kids started talking about how once those kids leave home, it's never the same again.  And I was like, "Wha--?  Why would you tell me this now...???  ...And why did no one warn me about this before???"  Because yes, he's in college now, but he'll still come home for Christmas and summers and-- this is just a break, right?  He's still my kid and he'll be coming home to me like he always has.  Right???

But this tiny, absolutely stricken part of me knew they were probably right.  And suddenly I remembered walking down the aisle as a bridesmaid at my sister Leah's wedding and sobbing my guts out because I knew our family would never quite be the same again.  (I felt this way even as I adored my new brother-in-law and was so happy for Leah!)  And it slowly started to dawn on me that this was the exact. same. thing.

I wanted to scream at everyone: Why didn't you warn me about this?  What kind of cruel joke is this that you raise these awesome little human beings and then they leave and hardly ever come back???  

But the joke's on me because EVERYONE warned me.  My in-laws were talking about this day before Bentley was even born.

But obviously I never listened because who actually believes this stuff?  When you're in the middle of sleepless nights and constant home renovations and career changes and the odd move and all the stuff that life is constantly throwing at you, how much can you really believe in something seventeen or eighteen years down the road?  When would you even have time to contemplate such a wild occurrence until suddenly there it is, hitting you in the face and you have to wonder how you never saw it coming.

That's me.  THAT was dropping Bentley off at college.  The raw gut-punch that everyone around you who told you this was coming and asked how you were doing was absolutely right and you're an idiot for not seeing it but here it is and your family of seven that you've been enjoying for the past nine years, and your son who you've loved every day of his life beginning with when you first found out you were pregnant with him is far away and hard to talk to and nothing will ever be the same again and this is just the beginning as they each take their turns leaving the safe little nest you've done nothing but build for them for eighteen years.  And I know that this is the best possible outcome, but that doesn't mean that it isn't also sort of the worst and that life can be cruel and bittersweet even in the best of times.

That was dropping my son off at college.  Bringing children into the world is physical labor, but everything that comes after that is a slow transition from physical to emotional labor as you gradually stop carrying them everywhere and instead learn first to help them take those timid little steps and then to reassure them that even after they fall, they can still get back up again.  And then gradually that help is less about the physical falls and more about the emotional hardships we all struggle through, but either way, life continues to be a series of letting go and watching and hoping the next fall won't be too bad and that this time they'll get up without even needing your assurance.  But you're always going to be there cheering from the sidelines, even when your son is in Utah and you're cheering two thousand miles away from Virginia.

And now I'm going to be incredibly indulgent and post every picture I can find of the two of us together.

Just a couple weeks before he was born!  We'd just moved into our apartment in Manassas...

In the recovery room post-cesarean section, having my vitals monitored

The day of his baby blessing

My hair was SO long

Trip out to California for Carla's wedding.  I'm just barely pregnant with Kendra at this point...

At Aunt Rachael's wedding (and I'm pregnant with Ryder here)

Hershey Park

Baptism Day

Field trip to Cox Farms (friend Peter peeking in the back!)

Our first batch of chicks

End of 3rd grade (still at Sudley Elementary)

Starving to death our first night in Panama City

Some scout thing where he had to kiss my cheek

Right after 5th grade graduation

Snoqualmie Falls in Washington

Walking along the baselines of Safeco Field

Doughnuts from Sluy's in Poulsbo

Inside the Amazon Spheres

At a corn maze

Christmas Eve night

We're just so beautiful!

Recreating the statue in Nauvoo!

Hiking

Alaskan cruise

Trying to get BYU housing while on vacation

Seminary graduation

And high school graduation

Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined my adorable little baby growing into such a fine young man