Expectations

So I'm going to write more about that library job that I didn't get, because it has been a ride.  I've had a lot of thoughts about it, and I'd like to try to get them down here before I forget everything.

This transition to having my kids finally-- finally!!!-- actually going to school has been a strange one for me.  For one thing, it's taken so long and started and stopped in such fits and weirdness of Covid, I felt like I could never even trust that it was truly happening or that it wouldn't suddenly be taken away in another pointless effort to flatten the curve or something.  And then, even when my kids went to school full time, 5 days a week this year, they still come home promptly at 2:45, and every week there's a teacher work day or dentist/doctor/orthodontist appointments, and on the rare week when none of those things happen, someone will invariably decide they need to come home early because of a migraine, or cough, or broken arm (to give only examples I've actually dealt with).

So even though my kids are mostly at school, it's not like I really ever clock out on being Mom.  (Which is fine!)

But, having said that, I will freely admit that I really enjoy having the house to myself for a few hours.  I enjoy the quiet and the freedom.  I enjoy being able to nap without issuing fifty warnings to everyone about the dire consequences if they wake me up.  I enjoy the fact that things stay clean if left alone.  I enjoy being able to listen to Taylor Swift and sing along without anyone complaining or just cringing in embarrassment, or practice my choir music or play the piano (I'VE BEEN PLAYING PIANO!!!).  I can shop without worrying that the kids are either fighting or watching too much tv while I'm gone.  It's really nice.

But after a few days of peace and quiet, I started to wonder if maybe I shouldn't be doing more with my life.  I mean-- I love a good nap just as much as the next person, but I don't want to look back on my life and think, Wow, I really napped.  A lot.  Did I do anything else?

So I started thinking about what I wanted to do.  And what I even could do, given the weird, unpredictable hours my kids are actually at school.  And, perhaps because a friend of mine in a different state works in a library, eventually I came to the conclusion that I would probably really enjoy working at the library.  The next day (after my nap) I began poking around on their website, and lo and behold, they were looking for a part-time employee to work at the circulation desk!  But unfortunately, the position closed at 5pm.  I frantically threw together a resume and filled out the online form before my kids came home, but my resume was pretty terrible and I didn't even have time to write a cover letter, so I didn't have a whole lot of hope for that.  And, sure enough, I didn't hear anything back at all.

A week or two later, I happened to chat with one of the library employees who I know (and who is a supervisor), and I mentioned that I'd applied for a job there.  She told me that they hire people all the time and to keep checking the website for new listings.  Sure enough, when I looked that afternoon, there was a new listing!  This time it was just for a substitute position, so possibly less hours and more flexibility, which felt like a much better fit for me.  So this time, I really worked on my resume, I wrote a cover letter, I did a better job with the on-line form.  I really TRIED.

And I heard nothing.

I was disappointed, but I tried to let it go.  What else can you do?

That was early in November.  At the end of January, I happened to see my friend at the library again, and she mentioned that they were hoping to start interviewing for that position and she was sorry it had taken them so long to get around to it.  I figured that couldn't possibly be a bad sign, and sure enough, the next week I got an email from her inviting me to come and interview!  I was so excited!  Adam and I went shopping for a professional outfit; I pored over their website to make sure I knew something about the library mission statement and such.  And-- I'm not going to try for humility here-- I felt like the interview went really well.  It was my friend and another woman asking me questions, and it almost felt like a fun gab session.  At the end, they asked me to alphabetize a bunch of books, and I'm pretty sure I got all those right, too.  (At least, I noticed, as I was getting the Christianson authors in order by first name, that one of them was actually Christiansen and alphabetized accordingly!)

So, it was a not-so-happy surprise when, within an hour of stepping off our cruise ship, I checked my email and learned I had not gotten the position.  My friend had sent a very nice email, so once I was home I wrote back and asked if there was something I could have done better in my interview or a way to improve my resume.  She wrote back immediately reassuring me that my interview had been great, but that the person they hired had library experience and so had edged me out.  So I could at least stop wondering if I'd royally screwed something up and not even realized it.  One less thing to lose sleep over.

As I've thought about the whole thing more, I genuinely think this might be for the best.  The hours for the position were all over the map, and I like to be home when my kids get home from school so I can hear about their day.  I'd been thinking that Ryder was old enough to be in charge if I wasn't home, but I hadn't considered the fact that he'll be in middle school next year, so Colton and Camille would be coming home, just the two of them.  Also, my older kids will be away for a few weeks here and there this summer, so that would have been difficult for the little kids, too.

More and more, I'm honestly not sure how people have time for jobs and are still parents.  I mean-- I know most families have both parents working, but I'm pretty sure all the moms are getting stuck doing the vast majority of the cooking and housework and household managing (all those doctors and dentist appointments and such) on top of their jobs-- how do they do it all?  How do they do it all without being resentful that they're doing everything?  I worry for these women.

But even though I've had all these thoughts, I've also wondered what's wrong with me that I don't seem to be able to get a job when everyone else clearly can.  It's hard not to feel just a little bit like a failure when you, y'know, fail at something.

And then one of my exercise friends showed us a tiktok video (of all things!) where a woman was talking about how most women are defined and judged by their relationships-- they're a good (or bad) mom, sister, wife, daughter.  And this woman was making the point that it's enough to just be YOU.  You don't have to be those other things to other people to be worthwhile.  I didn't give it much thought in the moment, but later it occurred to me that it isn't any more fair that I feel judged for not having a job.  On the news, people are constantly talking about how they need to get more women into the workforce and how terrible it is that so many women quit their jobs during the pandemic.  Is that really tragic?  If women took a good hard look at their lives and decided their jobs weren't worth it any more when their kids needed them, is that a problem?  Does society get to judge us based on whether or not we're getting a paycheck?

My answer to that, obviously, is a resounding No.  Just because I'm not getting paid to take care of my family doesn't make the work I'm doing any less valuable.  And I've always felt that I do a better job of taking care of my children than anyone else (except Craig, of course) because no one else loves them the way their parent can.  

And with that realization, I felt actual peace over the entire situation.  Everything is fine.  I'm right where I'm meant to be.  I just needed a bit of a journey to remember that.  

And I still love the library.