Navel Gazing

Change-- like school starting-- usually forces me to slow down for a bit and reflect on what's happening in my life.  And seeing what other bloggers do to mark occasions like this (I'm referring to Stephanie Nielson and her love of back-to-school feasts).  I love the idea of doing big dramatic gestures, but I'm always too busy to do it (well, mostly Craig is too busy getting his school ready for the first day, and I'm too exhausted from a summer home with all five kids!).

So I don't do anything all that remarkable.  But I do stop and ponder more than usual.  This time, I was thinking about the mother I am, compared to the mother I thought I would be.  This is a scary thing to reflect on, because the two do not line up very well and it's easy to get disappointed.  I thought I would be a really fun mom who was constantly explaining things to my kids and helping them be excited to learn about nature or something.  I thought I'd do arts and crafts with them.  I thought I'd read to them all the time.

And that's not exactly how I roll.  But as I try to cut myself a little slack, I'm hoping that's not a bad thing...

So for example, I thought I'd be playing outside with my kids all the time.  But I didn't take into account the fact that I don't really like being outside that much.  I love the IDEA of the great outdoors.  And I like reading about nature.  But sitting in the grass watching ants and spiders coming at me just freaks me out.  Add to that my spring allergies and the relentless summer humidity, and there just aren't that many days when I want to be outside.  So, no, I'm not some fun hippy outdoorsy nature mom.  In fact, I'm more what Jim Gaffigan described as "indoorsy."  Oh, well.

I've also discovered that I hate doing arts and crafts with kids!  It's always SO MUCH prep work and SO MUCH mess for so very little payoff.  I've pretty much relegated that to the schools.  Oh, well.  I'm lame.  So sue me.

I read to my kids at bedtime every night, but not a whole lot more than that.  And I don't feel too bad about that one.  They're all learning to LOVE reading and I think that's a thousand times more important than me reading to them.  So I'm okay with it.  (And besides, even with the limited reading I do, do you have ANY IDEA how many times I've read Goodnight Moon to these kids???)

So, yes, I'm not quite where I thought I would be on those things, and occasionally I'll find myself stressing about that and feeling bad about myself.

Where I get a little more hope is when I pay attention to the things I'm GOOD at that I never really guessed I would be.  It turns out, I'm a pretty good cook when I want to be!  When Craig and I got married, I would make the fancy Kraft mac'n'cheese (thick and creamy-- it's to die for!) and a frozen chicken cordon bleu, and I thought that was fine dining!  I have come a LONG way since that!  I'm also super organized at meal planning and grocery shopping and budgeting.  Who knew?  And to top it off, I even keep a fairly clean house, for having five+ kids always running through it.  No one, least of all me, saw that coming!  Now, I don't actually think keeping a spotless house is the most important thing, especially if you've got a lot of kids.  But I've learned that I get very grumpy when my house is messy, so for my own sanity, a clean house is important.  And, as Janine always said, keeping Mom sane is what matters most.

So I think the stuff I'm good at out-weighs the stuff I'm bad at.  And, more importantly, the stuff I'm good at is what makes me happy, where the stuff I'm bad at is because I have no interest in doing it anyway.  No sense in trying to force me into a mold that wasn't ever going to fit, even if I totally thought it would before I had kids!