Mommy Tutorial, Part I

Quick note of explanation: Recently I've been forced to make some major changes in how I parent my children. (Does anyone else think the word "parent" makes for a weird verb?) And even though it's humiliating to admit some of the major flaws in my parenting technique, I am determined to blog about them. I am doing this mostly to help me remember these changes (and thus continue to implement them), and also just on the off-chance that this proves helpful to someone out there who reads this.

But who am I kidding? I'm sure all the rest of you are wonderful mothers. Really.

No, I'm writing this to keep me from making the same mistakes again.




A few weeks ago, I realized that my kids weren't very happy. I felt like no matter what fun thing I had planned for the day (in this case, preschool followed by a Valentine's Day party), Bentley was unhappy. And whiny. And no matter how many times I told Bentley (okay, yelled at him) to play nicely with his sister, the two couldn't seem to go five seconds without Kendra running to me crying, either because of emotional or physical pain. I had spent the entire day combating Bentley's whining and Kendra's crying and I was sick of it all. Why were my kids incapable of just being happy?

I talked with Craig about the problem. I thought about perhaps trying to get back to nap/rest times. I wondered if there was something wrong with my kids. And mostly I thought about how much they were driving me crazy. More and more I just wanted to sit holding Ryder (my good child. For now.) and just ignore the other two.

Craig went to sleep, and I started in on my nightly reading. Right now, for my scripture study time, I've been reading the talks from the last General Conference. So I began another talk. I don't actually remember what talk I was reading or what it was about, but as I read, I began very clearly to understand that the problems my kids were having were directly related to my own attitude. I had let myself believe that since I was almost always tired (which made me easily frustrated), I had a right to be tired and frustrated. By feeling this way, I was creating an environment where Bentley and Kendra did not feel particularly safe or loved, and their lack of security was showing in the crying and whining. As these thoughts hit me and I realized their import, I began scribbling down notes to myself on a piece of paper: no more yelling, no more acting annoyed with the kids; talk in a kind voice, pay more attention, give them more hugs, etc, etc, etc.

I propped the paper on my alarm clock so I would see it in the morning and remember. I read over my ideas each day that week, sometimes more than once. I worked really hard at following these new rules for myself, even when I was tired and frustrated and felt like I had all the justification in the world for being angry.

And it has been helping. My kids haven't suddenly turned into perfect angels. But I can see a difference. I can see a change in how they act during the day, in how they play together, and how they react to me-- even when I have to tell them no.

But perhaps more importantly, I am seeing a difference in myself, too. I'd been ending each day annoyed with my kids and wishing they would just leave me alone. But with my own change in attitude, I am beginning to truly enjoy them (and life) a lot more. It sounds so cheesy-- put on a happy face and everything will be better. But in this case, it really is making all the difference.

Who would have guessed?